My paternal uncle has passed away. I have heard that after the burial one should stay by the grave for as long as it takes for a camel to be slaughtered and its meat distributed, and that at that time the supplication for steadfastness is made for the deceased — but that is for the children; it is the children who stay at the grave that long, and they alone can do so. So what should we other relatives — for example a niece — do for our deceased at that time, and how should we supplicate? And can women, in the light of this same hadith, go to the grave and supplicate there?

(Questioner: the deceased's niece)

The narration you have referred to is the bequest of 'Amr ibn al-'As, may Allah be pleased with him, who said:

«فَلَا تَصْحَبْنِي نَائِحَةٌ وَلَا نَارٌ، فَإِذَا دَفَنْتُمُونِي فَشُنُّوا عَلَيَّ التُّرَابَ شَنًّا، ثُمَّ أَقِيمُوا حَوْلَ قَبْرِي قَدْرَ مَا تُنْحَرُ جَزُورٌ وَيُقْسَمُ لَحْمُهَا، حَتَّىٰ أَسْتَأْنِسَ بِكُمْ وَأَنْظُرَ مَاذَا أُرَاجِعُ بِهِ رُسُلَ رَبِّي»

“Let no wailing woman accompany me, and no fire. When you have buried me, pour the earth over me properly, then stay around my grave for the length of time in which a camel is slaughtered and its meat distributed, so that I may find comfort in you and see what answer I give to the messengers of my Lord” (Sahih Muslim: 121).

Observe: he did not make this bequest to his son alone — his son was present with him, and other attendees were present too, and the address is to everyone. The Prophet's ﷺ own practice and command are clearer still. 'Uthman, may Allah be pleased with him, says that when the Messenger of Allah ﷺ would finish burying the deceased, he would stand by the grave and say:

«اِسْتَغْفِرُوا لِأَخِيكُمْ وَسَلُوا لَهُ بِالتَّثْبِيتِ، فَإِنَّهُ الْآنَ يُسْأَلُ»

“Seek forgiveness for your brother, and ask steadfastness for him, for he is now being questioned” (Sunan Abi Dawud: 3221; sahih).

Here the word used is «لِأَخِيكُمْ» (“for your brother”) — not “for your father” and not “for your child”. The meaning is this: staying after the burial and supplicating for forgiveness and steadfastness is the practice of every Muslim who is present at the burial, and the deceased benefits from the supplication of every Muslim — whether a child, a brother or sister, a nephew or niece, or any other person of faith. Indeed, Allah the Exalted has taught the believers to supplicate for all their Muslim brothers who passed away before them:

﴿رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَانِنَا الَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِالْإِيمَانِ﴾

“Our Lord! Forgive us, and our brothers who preceded us in faith” (Surah al-Hashr: 10).

At the same time, this too is true: the supplication of the children has the greatest excellence of all, for the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

«إِنَّ الرَّجُلَ لَتُرْفَعُ دَرَجَتُهُ فِي الْجَنَّةِ فَيَقُولُ: أَنَّىٰ هَٰذَا؟ فَيُقَالُ: بِاسْتِغْفَارِ وَلَدِكَ لَكَ»

“A man's rank in Paradise is raised, and he says: 'From where did this come to me?' It is said: 'Through your child's seeking forgiveness for you'” (Sunan Ibn Majah: 3660; hasan). So the real point is this: the children's supplication is the most excellent, but this door is not for the children alone — exclusivity is one thing, and excellence is another.

There are two situations:

(a) The male relatives who take part in the burial should stay by the grave after the burial and make the supplications given below — in that delicate hour, this is the greatest service to the deceased.

(b) You, and the other women and relatives who are not present at the graveyard, should make these very supplications for forgiveness and steadfastness from your home at that very time — while the burial is taking place — with full presence of heart. Being present at the grave is not a condition for supplication; Allah the Exalted hears from everywhere, and your supplication will reach your uncle just as the supplication of the person standing at the grave reaches him. And do not end this on that day alone: whenever you remember him, keep supplicating for him, and if you are able, also give charity on behalf of the deceased — that is a continuing benefit in the deceased's favour.

Allah the Exalted says:

﴿يُثَبِّتُ اللَّهُ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا بِالْقَوْلِ الثَّابِتِ فِي الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا وَفِي الْآخِرَةِ﴾

“Allah keeps those who believe steadfast with the firm word, in the life of this world and in the Hereafter” (Surah Ibrahim: 27) — the scholars have included, within this steadfastness of the Hereafter, the steadfastness at the time of the questioning in the grave; and the Messenger of Allah ﷺ himself commanded that steadfastness be asked for the deceased after the burial (Abu Dawud: 3221). So supplicate for your uncle in these words:

اللَّهُمَّ ثَبِّتْهُ بِالْقَوْلِ الثَّابِتِ

And if the deceased is a woman:

اللَّهُمَّ ثَبِّتْهَا بِالْقَوْلِ الثَّابِتِ

And add this supplication to it as well:

اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لَهُ وَارْحَمْهُ، وَعَافِهِ وَاعْفُ عَنْهُ

This supplication too is not specific to any relationship — every Muslim can make it for every deceased person, and in the funeral prayer the whole Ummah makes these very supplications for every deceased person.

The measure of a camel being slaughtered and its meat distributed in the hadith is not for fixing a quantity of time; it is an expression of this: that the stage immediately following the burial — in which the deceased is questioned — should be passed staying there in supplication and seeking forgiveness. So those present should stay for as long as they are able to stay; turning back hastily is against the spirit of this Sunnah.

Some women take this very narration as evidence and go to the graveyard, saying: “The hadith contains the command to stay by the grave” — this inference is not correct, for three reasons:

(a) The address of this narration is to those who are carrying out the burial; and the burial is a gathering of men. Indeed, observe: at the very beginning of this narration, 'Amr ibn al-'As, may Allah be pleased with him, had said: «فَلَا تَصْحَبْنِي نَائِحَةٌ» — “Let no wailing woman accompany me.” The very narration from which evidence is taken for women going contains, within itself, the prohibition of women being taken along with the funeral.

(b) Umm 'Atiyyah, may Allah be pleased with her, says:

«نُهِينَا عَنِ اتِّبَاعِ الْجَنَائِزِ، وَلَمْ يُعْزَمْ عَلَيْنَا»

“We were forbidden to follow the funerals, although it was not made strict upon us” (Sahih al-Bukhari: 1278; Sahih Muslim: 938).

(c) The hadith of the curse upon the women who frequently visit the graves has also come (Jami' al-Tirmidhi: 1056; hasan sahih).

On the basis of these evidences, the preponderant position of the scholars is precisely this: women should not go to the graveyard for the burial — whether the deceased be their father, their uncle, or any other dear one. But this does not at all mean that their supplication is left deprived: for them, the prescribed and most excellent course is to supplicate for forgiveness and steadfastness from home at that very time. Women may take part in the funeral prayer; the prohibition is only from going to the graveyard and being present at the gathering of the burial.

Summary: Staying by the grave after the burial and supplicating for steadfastness is not specific to the children — it is the prescribed (masnun) practice of every Muslim who is present; the children's supplication is indeed the most excellent of all, but the other relatives are not deprived of it. As a niece, the best course for you is to supplicate from home at the time of the burial, from the heart — اللَّهُمَّ ثَبِّتْهُ بِالْقَوْلِ الثَّابِتِ — together with the supplication for forgiveness, and afterwards too keep up supplication and charity. Women's going to the grave to supplicate is not established from this hadith; their supplication from home is both what is correct in the Shariah and complete in reward.

Translated from the original Urdu fatwa.